The Walk of Beauty

In my life I learned at an early age in my twenties how to lay down my own rights from the years I served as a missionary. The right to a beautiful life, money, marriage, blessings, kids, to be understood, to be admired or held in high esteem.  I was pretty good at it for a long time.

I served in a very non prestigious job as a nanny for a long time. Although I wasn't treated well (not all the time and not all families). In fact the lessons, character and understanding I have gained from being a nanny wouldn't of been implanted if I were just a mom first which I will write about at another time.. I was a nanny intentionally to be a servant to others that they may know Christ more. I knew my identity in Christ fully, deeply and passionately that I surpassed the mentality of the worlds esteem in several areas of my life including status and acceptance. I hid my intellect from the arrogant and I let my 'friends' around me choose answers for them selves to test their character because I wanted friends with the same values around me. I let myself be mocked, labeled and rejected by arrogant people I wanted acceptance from only to show them love regardless. 

In todays world many struggle with identity and I began to struggle with the one others wanted to afflict on me because of my job. I truly enjoyed my job as I thrive when I'm outdoors, teaching kids, photographing, planning and seeking adventure until I'd met other moms or talk to peers etc. even if I made more money than them. I have met and worked for some of the wealthiest people in Seattle and my thought was who else is going to get the chance to model Jesus in their home or have a conversation about God? It wasn't my first choice as a career and really wanted to finish college but that door was not opening so I did what I knew and did since I was a very young girl helping raise children despite of being considered the "help". It is no fairy tale and the movie, "The Nanny Diaries" tells it just as it is without twisting plots one bit! I started to question God in what was once joyful now became a skill to put food on the table and my conclusion for now is learning deep humility and dying to self in ways I didn't know were possible, lol. 

As I have gotten older I have began to take those rights back and continued taking them at deeper levels that questioned my trust in God all together in the bigger picture of life. To be a servant was one thing but what about trusting God with your life? It's  easy to say,"yes,I do" until it comes into areas you that are most valued like your kids, mile stones in life, your pet, your Mom and Dad or being known for your true self. I do trust him but rather not have to use real trust, the kind you don't even want to mention. I was acting as if I controlled the world I live in and made my own agenda. I wanted to  bargain with God to love him more if he lets me live a pain free, blessed life. I want to demand the right to live a safe, natural disaster free, peaceful world to live in with my white picket fence, drink hot coco watching the snow fall, knowing I have time to obtain my goals, watch my children grow up, enjoy years watching the seasons change and age gracefully.

To live in the hope of Jesus and acceptance if he lets calamity happen to me or those around me in ways that are unknown to my generation is something I don't want to accept. I avoid conversations I use to love about politics and current affairs as it becomes more apparent to my heart and not just a mere conversational piece as I get older and feel the lack of control over my life dictated by men who don't fear God or really give liberty where it's just.

I want the freedom like so many before me to live a life before he returns or the world is in ruble.  "I was born for such a time as this", I am reminded and I wonder why and what qualities in me I see God calling out when the time comes for them to be in full bloom. We are given what we crave... The very things we long for is what he needs to use us in for a certain event or time to reach others. Yes, that we may know him more but also for the lives of others. The unsatisfactory glitch we hear beckon us to come closer to God, to find, to know, to reason with that there is more to this world we live in, more of his vision, more of his voice, rest and direction is planted that we may sow and reap internally, externally and eternally. For what choice would we have but to be fierce in the time of confrontation yet it's our choice to be prepared. Something bitter sweet? Bitter at the thought...  only bitter when we rage war against ourself. His spirit makes all things beautiful only if your willing to walk to the beauty.

The task at hand to put my rights down and receive each day as a gift not a demand.